Disorientation

“Mummy Mummy” He woke up with a jump, that may have saved him from the nightmarish dream but wasn’t enough to free him entirely from the clutches of sleep. A strange disorientation gripped him. He looked around drowsily. ‘Where am I’; the darkness of the room made the surroundings look unfamiliar or was he actually somewhere unfamiliar? ‘Is it early morning or evening’ the weak sunlight finding its way through the curtains only made the deduction difficult. Getting up from his bed, he tottered in no particular direction. Trrrrrrrrr, Trrrrrrrrr, he looked back to see something glowing in the dark. It was his cell phone vibrating. (His phone will always be in vibrating mode, a ringing phone, especially when he is asleep always sent a chill down his spine) Though for now he hastily grasped the first feeling of familiarity in that surreal atmosphere. ‘Arvindh Rao’ read the screen, his manager, he answered “Hel…” the weakness in his voice was in resonance with his legs “Hello” he promptly corrected “Sorry to disturb you, I know you have been working all night, but just wanted to know when you will be back in office”. “Soon” that was how accurate he could get.

He realized he was in the office dormitory, coming there barely few hours back. Barely few minutes later, he was in his Manager’s room. The Manager’s words were flying past him, he was hardly able to focus on what he was saying, not that he was talking anything new. “We need to have better synergy within the team” “The team needs to improve in these areas” “We need to highlight our work to client more. ‘And I thought the nightmare got over’ he sarcastically thought and even managed a hint of a smile. “I suggest you reconsider your decision about onsite” The Manager had his full attention now. “The team really needs someone like you at onsite” He hated this topic as much as he hated his job. (Though no one realized that as he was almost always at work. That was because he hated himself more and the only joy he derived nowadays was by torturing himself by being at work all the time.) He retorted “I have said this several times before that I am not at all interested in going onsite”. “But why? Any family issues”. He had enough; he was out of the room before the Manager’s sentence could reach punctuation.

That evening, first time in days, he went home. As he opened the door to his home and stepped inside, he could feel the same surrealistic gloominess that had been following him all day through the dorm to the Manager’s room. He turned on the TV and as his fingers in unison with the remote impatiently traversed through the channels, the TV became a strange mishmash of flickering images and cacophonous sounds. His non-committal approach to TV watching gave him the same pleasure as experienced by someone in a licentious relationship without any strings attached. With a heady sense of relief this experience was giving him, he inched closer to holding on to the out-stretched, inviting hands of sleep which alas would turn into claws of a nightmare. In a curled foetal position, he fell asleep on the floor as cold as the coldness in his heart. Yet again like a discordant couple, he left the plush furniture in his room to spend the night on its own. He hated them too; they reminded him of an incident he badly wanted to forget. Tonight that incident would feature in the nightmare that waited him on the other side of his consciousness. Sometimes reality can be scarier than the worst nightmares.

The realistic nightmare took him back on that doomed journey, the journey which started with his onsite trip 4 years back. He and his parents both were very happy with this onsite opportunity. He was happy as he felt lucky to get such a break so early in his career, his parents were happy because he was.

His early days at onsite were busy but still the long weekends gave him opportunity to have fun, He would share details of his trips with his Parents on phone. They would rejoice in his joy and feel like they are seeing the world through his eyes. After completing 1 year at onsite, he planned a trip home however he was a bit late in planning it and the tickets were really expensive during Christmas holidays, so he had to drop the plan.

As his stay at onsite extended so did his work responsibilities and social circle there. His weekdays were tight with work while weekend were filled with outings, lunch-outs, parties. His call frequency to home dropped from once every couple of days to once a week and further. Sometimes, he would forget entirely to call home, calls from Parents more often than not would be routed to his voicemail (They rarely called as they could never figure out the time difference thing and didn’t want to disturb their son when he is asleep or at work) and when they did talk, it appeared to him like one heck of a task as he felt like he has run out of topics to talk to them. His mom generally would make for that by running him through the mundane happenings of their routine life whilst the pleasant ones that is. But one thing, he was pretty regular about was sending money to home. Though whenever he would ask if they bought something from that money, the answer would be in the negative as if they are just safeguarding the money for him. After much convincing, finally they spent it on getting new furniture for the home and a Car. His second attempt at an Indian vacation also failed due to a last minute important assignment cropping up. “You have to be there till the client sign off, what if something goes wrong, you are the only one with full knowledge of the system” his manager had said. On every second call, his mom would ask when he is coming back, Dad were more understanding or at least appeared on the call that way.

One early morning, almost 3 years from the day he left India, his sleep was disturbed by a phone call from India, not from office, not even from his Parents. It was his Uncle, there was a bad news, the worst possible, his Parents had died in a car accident, on their way back from Mumbai. It took him like 4 days to reach his home as there were no direct flights to India from the town he stayed in US. He really felt helpless then; only the support of his friends gave him the emotional strength to make the trip back home. He barely made it to the last rites of his parents. In the 3 years he had not seen his Parents, they were reduced to blurry images in his mind and this brutal accident didn’t leave much of them to recognize either. “Why had they gone to Mumbai” he had asked his Uncle. “Your dad had developed a coronary disorder and the doctor her had recommended them to visit a cardiologist in Mumbai”. He wasn’t even aware of this ailment his Dad was suffering from, they never told him. “They didn’t want you to worry” his Uncle had added. He broke down completely; he switched off his phone, locked himself up in the house, totally cut off from the world. One day, out of nowhere, he found a diary at home. A diary written by his Mom, where she poured her heart out. It clearly expressed the pain they had gone through and affirmed how blind he was towards their feelings. More than anything they just wanted to see him. One particular incident his Mom had narrated made him burst into inconsolable tears. “Your Dad is very supportive, he always gives me strength by saying that our Son is growing in his career and this separation is the price we have to pay for his success. But one night when he thought I was fast asleep which I wasn’t, I found out that he was crying discreetly. I can at least drown my sorrows in my tears; he doesn’t even have that option”

“Tring Tring, Tring Tring” the phone call rescued him from the nightmare. It was from a team member, a project related query; he explained the thing to him, cursing him under his breath for calling so early in the morning. He got up to have some water. Again that disorientation gripped him, he looked around; he wasn’t in his home, not even the dorm, though the place did look familiar.

He was at his house at onsite. “What the hell, how and when did I come back onsite”. He panicked; he was not sure what to do next. In that trance like state, he picked up his cell phone and dialed the 1st number that came to his mind, his home number. A familiar voice answered, his Mom, he couldn’t believe it. Moment later he realized what had happened, he had seen the most convoluted of dreams. The guilt of ignoring his family had built up inside him and the only way his conscience could wake him up was by showing him this surreal dream. He spoke excitedly to his Mom for almost 2 hours and even committed that he will be home in less than a month’s time. His Mom was equally amazed; she had not seen him talking so enthusiastically to her since his childhood days when he would come back from school and would not even allow her to do her cooking, unrelentingly pulling at her gown; trying to get her attention to narrate every small thing that happened at school.

Somewhere in our lives we have become disoriented, our priorities have changed, we increasingly are getting distanced from our Parents and we tried to cover up for our apathy with monetary compensation.

Your spouse’s love for you may dry up after some years of marriage, your kids may not love you the same once they grow up and move on to “better things” but your Parent’s love for you will always be the same, from your first breath to their last.

You may or may not find your soul mate in your lifetime, but you will always have true love in the form of your Parents. I think that’s why we have Parents, so nobody leaves this earth without experiencing Love.

No matter how un-cool it may appear, take your mom out for movie. No matter how boring you may find his choice of topics, sit and have a discussion with your Dad once in a while and more than anything just spend some quality time with them; that will mean more to them than any materialistic things you provide them.